


Fili and Kili or is it Kili and Fili?

by ArtyMissK



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Fluff, Gen, Humour, Tumblr, gen - Freeform, myteambagginsstuff, teambaggins, tolkienreadalong, tolkienreadalong bingo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-15
Updated: 2015-04-19
Packaged: 2018-03-23 03:43:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3753226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArtyMissK/pseuds/ArtyMissK
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ever wondered why Fili and Kili always have to do everything together? Its because everyone gets them mixed up, including Thorin.</p><p>1.) Bilbo<br/>2.) Balin<br/>3.) Dwalin<br/>4.) Nori (& Fili & Kili)<br/>5.) Dis<br/>6.) Thorin</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Bilbo

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt
> 
> The Hobbit read-along (Week 2), The Dwarves, bingo square - Fili and Kili.
> 
> Standard disclosures apply, I own neither the Hobbit or LOTR. (Well except a rather nerdy collection of the books and movies!) and make no money from any of the following stories.

_Fili and Kili…at your service_

_Kili, Fili watch the ponies_

_We need more firewood…oh Fili and Kili will do it_

 

Since Bilbo Baggins, hobbit and owner of Bag End had started travelling with the dwarves it had bothered him, why did those two _always_ have to do everything together? Bilbo had never had a brother so he thought maybe it was just a lack of understanding about such things, but then other hobbits he knows have several brothers and sisters but that doesn’t mean they do everything together.

 

Of course it could be a dwarf thing, because the Ri brothers do most things together but might just be because Dori’s a bit of a mother hen, the Ur family stay fairly close so maybe it is a dwarf thing but then there’s the sons of Fundin and they seem more than happy to leave each other to their own devices, why is it only Fili and Kili and spoken of and to as if they are only one being?

 

So lost in his thoughts was Bilbo that he didn’t notice that the company had momentarily stopped walking until he bumped into the back of Dori.

 

“Are you alright Mister Baggins?” said dwarf asks in concern, his eyebrows pulling together as he looks the hobbit over.

 

“Oh, I’m fine just thinking is all.” Bilbo smiles in reply.

 

He’s about to voice the question that’s been driving him mad when Thorin’s cheerful shout ring across the clearing “Fili, Kili search the area, make sure we’re alone.”

 

Still the boys do as they’re told and the company settles down for the night, but that question about the brothers bothers Bilbo all night, then the next day and then the day after that!

 

On the third day of continuous pondering Bilbo finally plucks up the courage and decides to voice the infernal question when he realises that he hasn’t actually been introduced to Fili or Kili but only Fili and Kili, so he doesn’t actually know who’s who.

 

“How embarrassing.” he mutters to himself, still engrossed in his thoughts.

 

“What is master Baggins?” asks Balin, who just happened to be wandering past.

 

“Actually Balin I seem to have had a momentary lapse of memory.” Bilbo says quietly, blushing to the tips of his pointed ears, it wouldn’t do to have the entire company knowing about his problem.

 

“Oh, no harm done lad, it happens to the best of us,” Balin pauses to look Bilbo in the eyes, a comforting hand on his shoulder “well, you are our burglar and we are travelling East to reclaim the lonely mountain, from the terrible worm Smaug.”

 

“Oh! I know that but well, I…er have forgotten,” whispers Bilbo motioning to the young Durin brothers “who’s who.”

 

“Ah!” understanding finally dawns on Balin’s face and he goes slightly pale.

 

“Yes, I know terribly rude, if you could just remind me.”

 

“Leave it with me.” is all he says and then the old dwarf is gone without a further word, leaving Bilbo Baggins alone with his pondering.

 

~


	2. Balin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will Balin be able to discover the truth? Who knows…keep reading to find out!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt
> 
> The Hobbit read-along (Week 2), The Dwarves, bingo square - Fili and Kili.

Since their earlier conversation Balin eldest son of Fundin had been avoiding Bilbo, as it was the burglar-hobbit was the forth member of the company to confide in him with the ‘problem’, if it carried on much longer he’d have no one to talk to and Erebor was still a long way off.

 

He could ask Thorin, but he already has far too many things to be concerned about, besides what if Thorin didn’t know either – that would be one extremely awkward conversation and really Balin could never do that to his King, well that only left one option. His task clear, he was going to have to try and discover who was Fili and who was Kili.

 

That afternoon when the company stopped for lunch Balin spotted his first opportunity “We need firewood” he started before clearly saying “Fili” at which point both lads looked over to him.

 

Before Thorin cut in “Lads you heard him firewood, NOW.”

 

Well that didn’t help, but Balin was nothing if not wise he simply waited until the company had settled before saying in his best grandfather voice “Kili, be a good lad and check on the ponies will you.” At which both lads jumped into action, rushing off to check the ponies.

 

Right ok, maybe third time lucky, as the company were turning in for the night Balin spotted another opportunity “Fili, come and help an old man up.”

 

“Oh, I can help.” says Ori, springing to help Balin.

 

Even once asleep Balin found himself dreaming up ways to try and solve the ‘problem’.

 

~

 

Two days past and all of Balin’s tricks had been thwarted - mostly by Thorin, twice by Bilbo, once by Ori and three times by the lads themselves. Currently the company were following a small stream, as it widened out Bilbo asked somewhat bashfully “Would this be an apt time to stop?”

 

“Yeah, we can camp up that hill.” joined Bofur, though he and the hobbit were often found together.

 

“And we have can have a chance at a proper wash.” crooned Dori.

 

Even Thorin agreed that resting and washing would be a good idea. “Frolic only after camp is set. Balin, you’re in charge.” he stated before stomping off for some kingly alone time, but then again Thorin never was much help when it came to setting up camp and one certainly did not want him to attempt to start a fire – not after the last time anyway.

 

“Right lads, after everything’s been done,” Balin started, before having an idea “we will takes turns to bathe so as to properly guard the camp…and dinner. Fili, Bofur, Nori and Ori can go first followed by Dori, Kili, Bilbo and Bifur and finally will be Dwalin, Bombur, Oin, Gloin and Myself.”

 

“What about Thorin?” asks Bilbo passing his hunt through his pack for soap.

 

“As King, Thorin gets to bathe alone.” It’s a fine excuse, but in reality Balin had forgotten about Thorin.

 

With everything going to plan Balin will finally find out which of the lads is Fili and which is Kili, pausing to run his fingers through his beard, he’s got it all under control. Well almost, its all going so well until he spies both lads going off with the first group.

 

“Lads, you aren’t both in the first group are ye?” he shouts across the clearing.

 

“But washing is so boring!” they whinge in unison before making a dash for the water.

 

Sitting down in defeat Balin realises that all of his plans have held no success whatsoever and tries not to cringe when his chuckling brother sits next to him “You don’t know who’s who with the lads do ye?” asks Dwalin smirking.

 

“Oh, and I suppose you do!” Balin retorts smartly.

 

“Haven’t the faintest.”

 

~

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3 - Dwalin. (Should be up around 9pm-ish GMT)


	3. Dwalin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dwalin tries the subtle approach…it doesn't work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt
> 
> The Hobbit read-along (Week 2), The Dwarves, bingo square - Fili and Kili.

Dwalin had known the boys all of their lives, ever since they were wee ones. After the accident with their father he and Thorin were often found caring for the lads, they were always so similar and that didn’t slow as they grew older, in fact once they began weapons training the captain of the Kings guard stopped thinking of them as the princes and Thorin’s heirs and only knew them as the-one-with-two-swords and the-one-who’s-useless-with-hand-to-hand-combat-so-we-gave-him-a-bow.

 

Of course since Dwalin caught onto the problem his older brother and the burglar were having, things had gone from bad to worse. Having referred to the lads by their pet names for so long Dwalin realised that he’d actually forgotten something so simple, something so obvious, something that he should and definitely _does_ know.

 

The company were wandering near to…well, it could be anywhere! not only does Thorin have the map, but he is also leading the troupe, you never know they may have even been here before! But walking next to his King, Dwalin is certain of his place in life.

 

“Thorin, I ‘ave to ask ye summin.” he says quietly as they walk side by side along the dirt road.

 

“Ask away.” answers the King in his usual gruff yet warm and friendly manner.

 

“You may have noticed a problem that my old brother is having.” Dwalin motions to his older brother who wears a puzzled frown and has stolen Bilbo’s walking stick.

 

“Balin seems as sound as ever.”

 

Trying a different approach Dwalin starts again “Fili, the lad he’s been proving himself well on this quest, don’t you think?”

 

“Aye, he’s proved himself a courageous heir.” although Thorin makes no movement toward the lads or Fili in particular too occupied in ‘reading’ the map.

 

After several other attempts to get Thorin to give up the information of such vital importance, Dwalin takes stock on the company to see who else could help with this problem.

 

Talking to the lads didn’t get him any further, they just finish each others sentences which only added to the unhelpfulness of the situation.

 

Bilbo doesn’t know nor does his brother, that was clear from his brothers earlier attempts at catching the lads out.

 

Bifur may have possibly known but no one else would know if he did and Oin, the deaf old coot calls everyone lad – so Dwalin couldn't be sure that Oin even knew his own name let alone anyone else’s.

 

Bofur and Bombur probably didn’t care – they only joined the quest for the provided ale and food.

 

Which narrowed Dwalin’s field of possible helpers to four, his cousin Gloin and the three brothers Ri.

 

~

 

Deciding that it's for the best he goes to talk to one of his many shield brothers the guard captain discreetly approaches Nori, the spymaster one who knows everything about everyone – although really it's his job description!

 

“Right, I want you to keep tabs on the boys, find out what they’re hiding.” says the captain to the thief.

 

“Bu’ the lads, Thorin ‘ud skin me alive.”

 

~

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 4 - Nori. (& Fili & Kili)
> 
> I'm so excited about the positive feedback for this story, keep it coming it makes me write faster :)


	4. Nori (& Fili & Kili)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nori is sent to spy on the lads.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt
> 
> The Hobbit read-along (Week 2), The Dwarves, bingo square - Fili and Kili.

Nori takes any task he’s given with the strict understanding that he is to always be present but never seen – it’s how he’s survived so long. Having shadowed the Kings heirs for two weeks now he’s certain that they aren’t hiding anything, well nothing serious anyway, they have set a series of pranks in motion, although tying flowers in Bilbo’s hair backfired ever so slightly and that they managed to swap the wizards staff for an equally ugly stick – without Greybeard noticing, not to mention that they filled Oin’s ear horn with honey and left it on a ants nest, before returning it to the sleeping darrow.

 

Currently the light fingered bandit sat watching the brothers (although he would never admit to anyone that he hasn’t the foggiest who’s who) as they sit brushing out their hair at the edge of a stream – under the pretence of fishing.

 

Unsurprisingly they haven’t caught any fish…not a single one.

 

“Brother do you not tire of doing everything together?” asks the dark haired Durin son as he shakes the fishing line…again.

 

“Course,” replies the blonde, re-braiding his beardstaches “but I think the others are having trouble telling us apart.”

 

“You’re blonde!” says the other giving his brother an incredulous look.

 

“I know.”

 

“Maybe we should ask them, you know mention it delicately over dinner.”

 

“I don’t think we should embarrass anyone.”

 

Sitting hidden in his perch Nori fails to believe that the brothers never call each other by name and manage to hold entire conversations without actually speaking entire sentences in proper common tongue.

 

He does notice that they both ignore the fish as they swim in and out of the net.

 

The spymaster is about to leave when Thorin’s dark haired sister-son takes off his boots and three (yes _three_ ) pairs of socks, before rolling his trousers up to his knees and moving to paddle in the chilly stream.

 

“Brother, where abouts do you think we are?” he asks upon returning to dry land with a handful of pebbles.

 

“Does it matter?” asks the blonde in return.

 

“Of course,” the brunette pauses to reach for his pack tipping all of it's contents onto the mossy earth “I’ve been collecting souvenirs along our journey, look this, this is an acorn from The Shire, and this is a nail that fell out of the bed I slept in when we stayed in Bree, some coins from the Troll hoard and a piece of the stone giant that tried to kill us and well, all sorts of others things I’ve found as we’ve travelled.”

 

Upon noticing his brothers look the brunette stops the explanation of his treasures “I just thought a pebble from this stream would be nice.”

 

“Isn’t your pack getting heavy?”

 

Honestly an entire kingdom is going to be left to the elder of these two – as soon as they find out who that is!

 

Deciding that enough is enough Nori returns to camp, leaving the ‘hunters’ to tend their fish.

 

~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next is Dis, but I’m so enjoying writing this story that if you’d like a chapter written from the perspective of another character let me know.


	5. Dis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eighteen months after the reclaiming of Erebor Bilbo finally asks Dis about the problem.

Eighteen months since he left his nice, comfy hobbit hole and his run of the mill un-adventuring life Bilbo Baggins found himself as something of a hero to the dwarves of the newly reclaimed Lonely Mountain as they returned home.

 

The dwarves who returned all (and I mean _all)_ wanted to meet the burglar extraordinaire and learn of his masterful feat from the ~~man~~ hobbit himself, as it was he and only he, who had tricked the dragon into leaving and given the darrow back their homeland.

 

Bilbo was a marvellous story teller and his tale became more exaggerated with each retelling, however it was the day that Bilbo met Dis that he realised Erebor was to remain his home.

 

To begin with Bilbo found it a little unnerving to be around Princess Dis, she really did look an awful lot Thorin with her long dark hair, blue eyes, delicate beard. They even share the same glittering personality – although most, mister Baggins included would say that Dis is the more agreeable and diplomatic of the two.

 

The mother of the princes actually took to Bilbo quicker than Thorin had and was neither patronising _or_ sarcastic, never saying he was to soft or elf like because of his ears – in fact she seemed to rather like them!

 

The two of them became friends extremely quickly and even took to having tea once a week. On the third such occasion Bilbo he could no longer contain his ‘problem’ and felt that as Dis was the mother of Fili and Kili she of all people would be able to put the problem to rest – surely she was able to tell her own sons apart.

 

“My lady I must ask you something I’ve struggled with from when the quest began.” started the acclaimed burglar as they walked hand in hand around the city grounds.

 

“Ask away master hobbit.” replies Dis, comfortable in the company of her favourite hobbit.

 

“How do you tell Fili and Kili apart?” Bilbo asks, although when Dis stops walking he worries that he may have upset her “It's just I was never actually introduced and, and I tried to find out but…”

 

“Very simply…did Thorin not tell you?” interrupts Dis, her eyes sparkling with barely concealed humour at her hobbits babbling.

 

“No.” answers Bilbo, _and he definitely didn’t tell Balin!_ Not that he says the second part out loud.

 

“Hmmmm.” is the only noise Dis makes, as if she is thinking of ways to skin her brother.

 

“Well?” not that Bilbo wishes to push, but he can't avoid the boys forever.

 

“Oh, well it's really rather simple,” the Princess pauses for dramatic effect “I sewed their names into their clothes.”

 

Hind sight was a wonderful thing and Bilbo wished he’d asked Thorin all that time ago – Balin would’ve been so grateful!

 

~

 

Although later, after yet another drunken celebratory feast when all is quite and Bilbo is settling for bed he realises that Dis never did actually tell him who’s who and he wonders with a groan of dread if maybe the Princess doesn’t know either.

 

~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next - Thorin
> 
> If you want this from another perspective please, please, please feel free to leave a characters name in the comments bit.
> 
> Also you might have noticed that this is suddenly part 10 in the series, thats because I've uploaded all the other fan art I've done for the read-along.


End file.
